We were really lucky and fell pregnant with number two quite quickly. So much so that after moving house a few weeks before, when I rang my husband to tell him the news the first word he spoke was something that I couldn’t possibly type here! From that first moment, I have felt really different compared to how I felt during my first pregnancy.
In some ways I guess this is only to be expected – my body has grown, nurtured and attempted to push out (emergency c-section in the end with number one) an actual human, so it should know what it’s doing. On the other hand, my head is full of the actual realities of what happens once that human exits through the sunroof (or wherever) and I can’t help but feel more fear this time around.
For 37 out of 40 long weeks of my first pregnancy I was sick nearly every single day. It was horrible. That constant feeling of seasickness followed by many a dash to the toilet (even one delightful evening on the way back from Kent where a nearby roadside became my friend – bad times) took over the feelings of pregnancy. It probably wasn’t until my husband and I started NCT classes that the reality of what we were bringing into the world started to hit us. Then, in our typical style, we focused on doing the stuff that needed to be done (most of which we probably didn’t actually need to) and didn’t decide upon a name until three weeks before Rose was born.
So, this time, you’d imagine, we should be all over it. Super organised and ready. Well, kind of. We’ve moved house – tick – which means that we will have a room for the new addition when it’s ready to migrate out of our room. We’ll also have loads of baby things – clothes, plastic cups, black and white sensory books, etc. Whatever gender it is (we’re not finding out), it will be wearing Rose’s clothes anyway, so let’s all look forward to the possibility of my floral son! (Actually quite excited by that prospect!)
However, my main feeling at the moment is really chilled out mixed with a bit of fear. This alarms me. I’m not a super chilled out person but I think this feeling comes from having done it once before. It’s not a completely new experience. All being well health-wise, we know what we are getting ourselves in for: I know that I’m grouchy and can’t cope with the lack of sleep, but then I also know that this doesn’t last forever (please, not forever).
I know that my washing machine is pretty efficient and I’ve even figured out the tumble dryer settings (essential in those early days). My husband and I know how each other behave as a parent, which I think is a pretty huge deal. He’s amazingly chilled (this came as no surprise), great at swimming lessons, hugely loving and a wonderful father. I’m good at breast feeding, bad at lack of sleep and not too bad at the laundry. Between us, we’ll muddle through. This time, those things shouldn’t come as a surprise. I think the whole uncertainty of how our lives would change, first time round, was one of the scariest things in itself.
But then there’s the fear. The fear of not being able to think through the fug of sleeplessness, let alone run around after my daughter (she’ll be almost 2 when baby arrives). How will I manage to be as good a mum and entertain her/take her out/play with her/keep on top of her meals and playdates when I’ve got a small appendage stuck to my boob?
Also, the main thing I’ve missed first time round is time with my husband; actual quality time where we laugh together, hang out, go for drinks and chat about stuff that isn’t small person related. We joke now that our social life is just on hold for a couple more years and then we will be back! Great plans are already hatching for future holidays, the sunny honeymoon that we never had (we got married when Rose was 5 months old and enjoyed a sleepless few nights in Cornwall) and our 40ths when the little ones are older.
I know we will be like ships in the night for a while, and I know that he will be just as exhausted as I will be, but we also know that it will pass and we will get through it; that these fears are exactly that, fears. For, when all’s said and done, we know what we are getting ourselves in for this time round.*
*disclaimer to my future, sleep-deprived self: remember you will sleep again.
A Guest Blog from Natalia Sanders
Natalia is a mama from south Gloucestershire, who blogs about her current house renovations and motherhood. She has a one year old girl, Rose, and baby number two is due in January. She taught English for ten years but decided to become a full-time mama at the end of her maternity leave. When not being a full-time mama, she can be found with her head in a book, yacking away on Instagram stories or enjoying copious amounts of Sauvignon Blanc (pre-pregnancy, of course!). You can read her blog or follow her on Instagram and Twitter.
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