Have you ever had a sliding doors moment? (What would have happened if I’d got on the train)
My sliding doors moment:
May 15th 2012 was the first significant one for me. The passing of my Mum, my best friend. When I think back I’ve had others, but this one moment/day is forever engrained into my mind. How it changed my life, and me. (What if I’d known, what if I’d got there sooner…)
I took on challenges and did things at the age of 25 I never imagined doing at that age.
Little did I know a few weeks later a double whammy would happen and my Dad would get cancer.
To say life has been a rollercoaster over the past 6 years you’d be correct. I’ve written a poem about it as the past five years would be a book in itself.
15th May 2012
the clock stopped ticking as did my world
my best friend stolen,
my mother gone.
my life forever changed.
A gaping hole in my heart that no-one could fix.
Her sudden death surreal, would I ever be fixed?
As friends gathered round and memories were shared,
together we wished her goodbye.
But the shock still lingered, my dad was ill too,
with the great big C lurking we had another journey to fulfil.
His cancer a shock but the fighter in him grew
he looked after me as much I did him too?
With strength and hope he watched me get wed
but two years later he was to leave this world too.
Abandoned and lost, that dark place grew,
of which no-one could get to and the anxiety grew.
Our dreams of growing a family became less and less,
each month passing by and still no baby in bloom.
Four years later after fighting back, I dug myself up and fought the demons back!
Fertility treatment started, hope once again bloomed!
It’s not been an easy road these past five years
but we have had some laughs as well as lots of tears.
A new baby nephew born and smiles again grew
but it’s now time for yet another adventure
where our hearts fill with love and joy.
As we sat in that clinic, I know you were near,
With Take That ‘Never Forget’ playing
for those dear and near you’ll know that song and its sentiment.
I guess you could say a grand/extreme birthday present for some,
for it was that weekend our IVF journey truly began!
As we wish our bean to grow big and strong,
the journey has only just begun.
Just a little insight to why I bought Bear and Lily (VW vans for those who don’t know) and why in a way they saved me…
But before I made my purchases of two VWs (because I’m crazy) I first of all escaped to the other side of the world to a trip I’d been longing to do since forever. It had been three years since my mum had passed and I’d conquered probate sold our family home and married my best friend, my rock, but I’d also lost my dad to his battle with cancer too. So with great encouragement from my best friend Rea and her husband David, off I went. Now if they’d gone without me the green monster would have forever been etched on my shoulder! So much history and dreaming of where my Mother came from, the dream was to become real.
It was the most emotional trip, the most peaceful and the most at home I’ve ever felt. A holiday that will beat no other or be beaten. I could finally let go of the things winding me up, the anxiety at a low I felt relaxed and refreshed. It’s the same feeling I get now when hopping in the van and hitting the beach when things are getting tough I’m just in need of a little refresh and recharge.
Since finding out we were pregnant, it’s been so exciting but the anxiety has been lurking (understandable at times as we’ve just achieved OUR BIGGEST DREAM). It’s scary to even think of why it may not happen, so we don’t! we just enjoy and the days it does feel scary I close my eyes, go to my happy place or go for a therapeutic walk, do yoga and relay positive happy mantras.
Trying to conceive for a number of years to find out there are fertility issues, was the sucker punch in the face, (the part where the anxiety and darkness took over). I was still grieving for my dad too. Many times we drove to the coast just to be at peace and wash the negative emotions away. And we plan to do the same this bank holiday, wash away any negative thoughts and enjoy and explore and be thankful for where we are in life and just relax and enjoy. We can now enjoy the van and our trips in a different way.
Each week we gain in our pregnancy we get more and more excited about planning the nursery and buying cute things and how we will plan our trips away in the van now and in the future. This bank holiday will be the first pregnancy trip away so that will be interesting and we plan to do it later on in the pregnancy as our summer holiday! As well as mini breaks and day trips too! But I now get excited for the van will soon be used for family holidays, no more what ifs!
It’s not about moving or forgetting it’s about acceptance. So far my journey in life has been a rollercoaster one but I’ve learnt many things. But now it’s time to sit back and enjoy the ride. I know that Mum and Dad are by my side enjoying the adventures too! But most importantly my husband Aaron is and has been throughout it all! It’s time to talk more adventures and less of the past. It’s time to look forward…
Inspired by everyday objects and life, Amy uses her life experiences and travels to create contemporary pieces of jewellery. Working primarily with silver and using a range of hammers to planish, mark make, form and develop into conceptual pieces.