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5 Things…

5 Things…

I DON’T KNOW MUCH… but three months in, five things are clear!

1) Postnatal healthy eating regimes are for privileged morons…

Eat and drink whatever gets you through the exhausting, joyful, fretful day. Gin and Jaffa Cakes? Fine. Coffee and crisps? Perfect. If you’re breastfeeding, take vitamins so you don’t have to worry that your Frazzle-based diet will lead to your child developing rickets. I tried to go pure and wholesome around week 8 and it ended with a meltdown at a self-service checkout. There will be time to soak lentils and snort kale in the future. For now, you’re a mothering machine fuelled by whatever the fuck you like.

2) Breastfeeding can be like a trip to the jet wash…

Boobs with a strong flow of milk can spout like the closing scene of Ocean’s Eleven. Many a time in a café or restaurant I’ve noticed too late I’m strafing strangers (and once someone’s roast dinner) with a powerful blast from the tit cannon. Best to carry at least three muslins at any one time so they can be produced in quick succession, like magician’s hankies.

3) Your body may look like a pillow that’s been attacked by crows, but it’s actually awesome…

When I weigh up my emergency c-section ravaged midriff against the tiny milk marauder grinning up at me, it’s a no brainer. I can’t dwell in front of a mirror yet, and am loathe to get naked, but I know this will pass.

4) Never stand at the business end of a changing mat…

After five days without a peep of a poo, my husband and I were thrilled to see the tell-tale straining/satisfied expression on our baby’s face. With the nappy off we gazed in gory fascination as she continued to pump out rounds of the brown stuff. Then, magnificently, she emitted a huge fart and sprayed me in the face with her – thankfully milk based – excretions. Never have I cleansed so thoroughly, nor swilled antibacterial mouthwash with such fervour.

5) To do lists are defunct until further notice…

You might as well write ‘fuck all’ so you can at least tick something off for once.

A Guest Blog from Eleanor Gaskarth

About Ellie

Ellie is a freelance writer and mother to marauding toddler Marla, with another due on Boxing Day (great timing…) She and husband Jamie recently moved to Cheltenham from Cornwall and although sad to leave the pasties and Poldark landscapes, she loves not being a four hour journey from almost everywhere.  Addicted to crime fiction, Radio 4 and Bakewell tart, she misses playing roller derby and squashing herself into a wetsuit for some cack-handed surfing. You can find her on Instagram.

Enjoyed this read? Make sure you check out all of the CheltenhamMaman recommendations over at Maman Pages.


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1 Comment

  1. October 16, 2017 / 9:36 am

    Actually laughing out loud. Thanks for this on a dreary Monday morning!

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